Book Review: “The Pirate Queen” by Alan Gold

Title: The Pirate Queen
Author: Alan Gold
Year: 2006
Category: Historical Fiction

I first learned of Gráinne Ní Mháille, anglicized as Grace O'Malley, in Morgan Llyewelyn's “Grania”, a book I bought for 99 cents off a sale table many years ago.

She was an Irish pirate leader and a contemporary of Queen Elizabeth I, whom she met late in their lives. Aside from their meeting, little is recorded about her besides the bare facts of her parentage and progeny, a situation almost perfect for embellishing upon.

When I saw the subtitle “The Story of Grace O'Malley, Irish Pirate” adorning Alan Gold's novel on the new books shelf at the library, I was interested enough to pick it up, despite the rather melodramatic art[1].

As it turns out, this is one of those books that you can judge by its cover. It is slick, glossy, seems reasonably (if a little vaguely) historical, and the pretty heroine stands alone with her weapons, in garb and pose suggesting that she not only gets plenty, but kicks ass while doing so.

Read more!

Alan Gold takes us through the life of rebellious young Grace, starting with her adolescent decision to cut her hair and sneak aboard her father's trading ship. She later marries to please her family, but her husband is a hot-headed war-mongering wastrel, and she turns to piracy to fund his clan.

As a historical conceit, Gold also presents parallel portions of Elizabeth's life, from her time in the Tower through her years as a monarch, presumably so that we may contrast and compare the two Queens. In contrast to Grace's uninhibited sexuality and open-hearted adventures, Elizabeth is portrayed as chafing against the restraints of her role, and jealous of women whose behaviour counterpoints her virginity, notably Mary, Queen of Scots. She reads a bit shrill to me.

There are certain things in the novel which make me wince. One is Robert Dudley calling Queen Elizabeth “Beth”. The actual period nickname was “Bess”, and to this day, she is still referred to as “Good Queen Bess”.

Also, there is some inaccuracy with historical facts. IIRC, Queen Elizabeth did not set up the marriage between Queen Mary and Lord Darnley. She opposed it, because Darnley was a cousin of hers, and marrying him would strengthen Mary's claim to Elizabeth's own throne. The Countess Lennox, Darnley's mother, was thrown into the Tower for arranging it.

Another annoyance is the use of the “word“ fuchking. At first I thought this was supposed to be some sort of Irishism, like shite. But when Queen Elizabeth uses it, I realized it was probably a piece of faux-historicity, using bizarre orthography to try and add “flavour”. It didn't work, and kept throwing me out of the narrative as I mentally pronounced it the way it was spelt.

I suppose I should be grateful that Elizabeth still addresses Dudley as “Robin”, instead of “Bobby”.

“Oh, Grace, trust me when I tell you that an Irishman's meat is not only more ample but far sweeter than any Turk's.”

That's not entirely a fair quote, but it is representative of certain aspects of the book. There's plenty of adventure on the high seas and arguments at home, both showing off Grace's cleverness and ability, but there's also plenty of sex, described in a slightly overblown manner. I found both the euphemisms used, and the dialogue engaged in, unintentionally hilarious.

In a way, it reminds me of a romance novel I once read[2], also about an Irish pirate queen (this one entirely fictional) who was portrayed as being all woman in a man's world and enjoying frequent encounters, overcoming obstacles with the sheer force of her charm.

While the history is a bit iffy, and decided liberties have been taken, I did find “The Pirate Queen” entertaining. However, I also found the short author interview in the back about his sources and motivation for writing this to be more engaging than the novel itself.

[1] A cleavage-baring redhead wielding sword and gun, with ships flying Jolly Rogers and engaging in boarding manoeuvres in background and on the back cover, in case you were wondering.
[2] “Mistress of the Eagles”, by Elona Malterre. She'd previously written a fairly decent retelling of the Deirdre of the Sorrows myth, and something about Brian Boru which I haven't read, and the book came with a nice Tom Canty cover[3], so I thought, “Hey, quasi-historical adventure!” I was wrong about that.
[3] Best known for illustrating fantasy novels.

Whooshing deadlines

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

— Douglas Adams

For the second time in two weeks, I've incurred around $10 in overdue fines. This is entirely my own fault, as books I thought were due later needed in fact to be returned sooner. I've gotten spoilt by the automatic e-mail notifications some libraries give out. Clearly, my memory is not to be trusted in this matter, so I've set up iCal reminders for everything I currently have checked out.

Let's just hope I remember to update it, especially since iCal makes it annoying to set up email notifications which don't default to 15 days after the event.

In an effort to clear out the backlog, I think I'll start posting book reviews. I should practice writing non-fiction as well.

Speaking of writing exercises, that's another thing I'm behind on. I've been posting some short fiction pieces to Livejournal and while the responses when I get any is generally favourable, my reach exceeds my grasp when it comes to timeliness. And also skill.

Oh, and while I'm at it, still no response, nor corrected refund, nor refunded to credit card amount from DVDSoon.com. RECOL and Visa on Saturday.

Insomnia strikes again

I am horribly, terribly sleep deprived.

Lately, no matter what time I fall asleep, I always end up waking well before noon. Do I get any catch up sleep in the afternoon or evening? No.

Thus, for the past week or so, I have been subsisting on an average of five or six hours per day. I'm sure it would be affecting my coherency and judgment, if I ever used them.

From the looks of it, I'll be reporting DVDSoon.com to RECOL. Starting to get well over 21 days.

Completion, if not success

So at long last I've finished documenting and making fit for public consumption DVDSoon.com's particular sins against me. I actually started at the beginning of this week, but kept putting it off. One of these days I'll have to do something about my tendency towards self-sabotage.

In any case, all the files are annotated and uploaded, a succinct dunning letter has been sent, only slightly delayed by my having to retype it after losing the first draft. Never fight a land war in Asia, and never save your only copy to a remote server which may or may not be responding.

I've given up on bad TV shows. At a certain point, I asked myself, “Why am I wasting my time on this if I don't really enjoy it?” and I realized that I no longer needed to actually watch them.

Whether it's the overwhelmingly “all of these people should have Darwin Awards” quality of Lost, or the “Sturgeon's Law in action” demonstration that is Smallville, I just don't care what happens next and that's X hours of my life I'll never get back.

Sure, I'll still occasionally tune in and then tune out while I'm doing something in the same room, but lingering remnants of morbid curiosity can be satisfied by the recaps on Television Without Pity, which are practically guaranteed to be vastly more entertaining.

As it is, I just don't watch that much television, and they cancel everything I like anyway, so I look forward to watching much less. I can now use that time for viewing classic films from the library, or the good parts of PBS, or something similarly worthwhile.

Now to finally get some sleep.

Foraging in the neighbouring municipality

Well, today was Safeway's 10% off Customer Appreciation Day, so we went and stocked up on edible provisions for the month. On the way back, stopped at Costco and the local library which is not really within walking distance even though I used to do the 50 minute walk several years ago.

Costco reminded me yet again why Dante's vision of Hell should have populated the Sixth Circle with the willfully inconsiderate instead of mere heretics. SUV drivers are far more deserving of eternal torment.

The cart return is just three car spaces away. You can't walk a measly three car spaces (width-wise, not length-wise) to return your easily steered unladen shopping cart? On wheels?! You deserve your fat burger-fed ass!

Mind you, it might have actually been a minivan or pickup truck driver. Those are equally common around here.

At the local library which is not really within walking distance, despite the limited selection I managed to pick up a few books which should help with something I'm doing.

As part an effort to improve my English skills, I've started writing exercises. Fiction, not penmanship, though I really ought to work on that, too.

Thus, I now have a small pile of Renaissance and historical craftwork books to supplement what Wikipedia and the SCA can provide, and will probably end up with more once I make the 20 minute walk to the local library which is within walking distance.

And, while I'm posting, still no full refund or even reply regarding from DVDSoon. They get one more dunning notice, followed by package to Visa, whom I've already phoned, and a report on their sins to every applicable consumer protection authority I can find.